My boldest claim yet: This…is the biggest cause of failure

February 1st, 2012 by Agent Kevin Miller

This may be my boldest claim to date, I’m either on to something, or I’m a fool. You judge.

Folks, if you are a washer and dryer repairman, then you probably have a good handle on the #1 reason for what causes failure in those machines.

I can’t claim much, but I do get to experience and participate in a LOT of people’s stories. Stories where they are trying to achieve something better, greater and of more worth. So in that…this is my observance of the #1 reason for failure. The #1 obstacle. The #1 hurdle and far too often, the #1 cause of abandonment.

I’m being so bold here with my claim, that I’m risking being a fool. That someone else will come along with a differing claim and prove me wrong. But you know, at worst, I still believe this vies for the top position, and has to be top 3.

This was hard, as I presented it to the attendees at the Free Agent Academy ‘Accelerator’ event this past weekend. To state a number one reason…was daunting. My first gut reaction was to say ‘faith’. That people didn’t have enough faith in themselves. True…but is that really it? I’ve seen lots of folks full of faith who never act on it. I finally bubbled up to…this.

So here goes…ready? First, watch this video. It was made to be funny…but it’s not:

Without further ado…my experience with people quitting and abandoning the pursuit of…well…anything counter-cultural, is:
PEER PRESSURE

That’s it, in my experience. The number one reason people to not follow through on their beliefs, values, convictions, desires, pains, faith…is peer pressure.

Over and over, even as people have stark revelations on themselves and what they really believe to be true and best and what should really be priority for their lives and even for their families, they most often abandon the effort due to the intense pressure they feel from a society that has accepted safety, security, comfort, comformity and convenience as the norm and the expected, responsible pursuit of life.

The flow of culture, the norm and accepted, is overpowering. I think it’s lost…it will never be corrected overall. Fast and processed food is here to stay. Obesity, illness and disease won’t curb it. Mass consumerism is here to stay, debt and enslavement to work to pay the bills won’t stop it. Lack of community is probably here to stay. Ultra-connectedness lacking intimacy, loneliness and isolation are here to stay.

Overall. Any individual can reject such things and lay claim to an alternative reality.

But few will. Why? Peer pressure. Two primary reasons make up the pull of peer pressure I believe:

  1. We subconsciously believe in fellow man. We want to! I do to. But our ‘fellow man’  which establishes and comprises the ‘norm’. And what most people accept, we inherently will also. We want to trust. We want to follow. We want to do what’s easiest. We want to have faith in our leaders. We desperately desire to believe our personal care and wellness is a priority to others. I don’t want to be a downer, but I’m afraid the reality is…and your experience is…this isn’t the case.
  2. We want to be accepted. Going against the flow is hard. It’s unpopular. We can find kindred spirits to bond together with, but we’ll still have a majority of people around us that are going and believing in a different direction. In most social gatherings where someone has made a feast and joyfully offers it, I end up saying, “OH…I’m so sorry. I’m one of those weird vegetarians.” I feel bad, and they often feel bad. That just…isn’t fun. It doesn’t make me feel proud or righteous, it feels like a pain in the butt. But…it’s my personal conviction (aside from the fact that though everyone else in my country seems to love meat, I didn’t even like it when I was a kid!).

These are not bad reasons, and they are human nature. But they just aren’t working. We have a culture run by big government and big corporations and big media that we have given over power too. It’s lost. It’s not a conspiracy I don’t believe (don’t want to believe!), just again, human nature to want, and want more. So profits and bottom lines have the power. We ALL complain and shake our fist at these big bullies, but we end up trusting the norm that they create and don’t put two and two together. The culture is and will continue to be in the grip of government, corporations and media.

But you are still free NOT to be in that grip. Most all those you know however, will be. And that…is what is hard.

So, what’s my point then? What do you do about it?

Just realize it. Don’t be upset by it. But don’t be ruled by it.

Want to be debt free? Then do as Ramsey says and “Live like nobody else, so you can live like nobody else”, which in his focus means “Don’t spend like everybody else, don’t be a consumer like everybody else, limit your spending like nobody else.”

Want to be fit and trim and vibrant? “Then eat and exercise like nobody else do you look and feel better than everybody else.”

Want to be free to live out your calling and be free to live out the priorities and values that you believe are best and true? “Then you must make some peace with being a freak. You must accept that you are choosing a different path than 99% of anyone you do, or ever will…know.”

Sounds harsh. And it may be exaggerated…I just don’t want to paint a rosy picture. The reality for me is that the majority of my relationships ARE with kindred freaks, but maybe I’m lucky. We enjoy a very alternative lifestyle together. But we work hard for it. We invest and sacrifice a lot. And we’ve made some peace with being out of place in this world. Much of it is glorious. Much of it is laborious.

But for you faith based folks, the concept of “Being in this world, but not of it.” Wouldn’t that relate to such things?

So, what do you think? Does this ring true for you?

  • Pingback: My boldest claim yet: This…is the biggest cause of failure (Show recording) — Free Agent Academy

  • Jack Lynady

    “Kindred freaks”. Love it. The desire to “belong” is powerful and a good thing when u find a community where u can offer your life. What u are describing is the desire to “fit-in” and that actually requires u to be someone else. Good stuff bro.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Yes, I want to ‘belong’ as much as anyone else. Just…not to my detriment, eh?! Great to be in community with you my brother.

  • Sean

    Had not really thought of it in that way before but it is true.  As we going from f/t job to unemployment to now 2 businesses I can say yes peer pressure is there.  We are not to the point of covering all the bases money wise but we are heading in the direction of time and money freedom that we desire.  Those around us though at times say why not just take this or that job which takes us back to where we started from.  Dont get me wrong if we get to the point that we need to financially I will but we are 100 percent debt free which has given us the ability to hang on longer than most to make a profitable business model. 

    Everyone is well intentioned and are just trying to help us but most don’t understand the desire to be free in this fashion also, not tied to a schedule laid out by others where I cannot enjoy my family, especially with my lovely wife home schooling them.  Only have a couple years left for the older kids and I dont want to be away from them the majority of that time. 

    Did not mean to get off track but yes there is peer pressure, intentional or unintentional, which you have to deal with when pursuing a different life style.  Not much different then when we were trying to get debt free and would not spend money on eating out, vacations etc like those around us.  We have great friends but we are still looked at different a lot of the times.   

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      One reality Sean, is that in pushing forward and achieving this thing, you’ll be HELPING your friends. You’ll show them it’s possible. You’ll help give them permission to do it as well. And you’ll show them the fruits of the payoff. 

  • Anonymous

    Ok, I am NOT seeing things?  I see the link to the show but NOT the link to the video clip?
    Thank you,
    Carolyne

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Well heck. It’s back up there now…thanks for letting me know.

  • David – Toronto

    This is excellent.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Thank you David…I hope it frees some people

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Patti-Landrum/100001467521755 Patti Landrum

    This video was fun to watch.  It also pointed out just how part of the cattle people tend to be in their behavior.  I have tried not to follow the cow in front of me but, it does take time to pass one. Still working on being able to make money and be a free agent !!!

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Patti – takes time to pass one…that’s interesting. Still working on making money…who/what are you working with to help you?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gary-Barkalow/1553583269 Gary Barkalow

    Great insight Kevin. Yep, we will always “do” according to what we “want” or desire, even if we’re not aware of it. So if our greatest want or desire is to be accepted/included/part of the group we will pick up their clues as to how they would like us to live and fulfill them. Thats why we must live life with an awakened heart, discover what God has written on our heart in the form of our desires and actively dismantle what is false. We are either intentional with our heart’s true desires, or we are controlled by the man’s and culure’s manipulation.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      That my beloved, wise brother…is the climax of this whole discussion: “live life with an awakened heart, discover what God has written on our heart in the form of our desires and actively dismantle what is false. We are either intentional with our heart’s true desires, or we are controlled by the man’s and culture’s manipulation.” Wow. Thank you.

  • Chadrick Black

    Great piece, Kevin. A lot of truth to extract from your points and plug into my own life. Pulled a few thoughts from a piece below I have been working on. You may find something of interest in it…”The one who is deciding what success means to you is the one who is in control of your life.” (That’s a whole blog by itself.) But here are a few of my thoughts in regards to defining personal success and breaking from peer pressure: 1) You have to invest a lot of energy in defining what success means to you, allowing trial and error to construct it. Unlike college, life doesn’t place a form in front of you, make you “declare a major”, and then have you hand the form back (as well as a big fat check) without ever giving it a lot of thought. Remember, you can by a major from Harvard, but you can’t buy your purpose anywhere. Life, through trial and error, will extract your major (your calling) from you if you will give it a chance and be patient. As is not embraced often enough, “Life is the best education you will ever receive.”2) A measureable plan of action with built-in points of reflection (i.e. “I’m going to access my progress every 3 months…”) is vital and declaring, on paper, honest feedback of your progress even more so. At this point, like-minded friends can help but in the end, take responsibility for what you’re responsible for which is your happiness and your success.3) If someone else defines success as being an attorney and believes you should be an attorney, guess what, if you haven’t followed steps 1 and 2 above, you’ll probably become an attorney, like it or not. And I’ll go ahead and break the bad news to you now. The people who love you the most are usually to blame for this. 4) Once you have a good understanding of your success, embrace it, take it to deeper uncharted waters, and fiercely defend it. Allow the feelings of thankfulness for each day of life, contentment, and happiness steer your voyage. I’m not saying every day will be rainbows and skittles. Storms will still show up in your life. But I use the idea of navigating a ship because for the rest of your life, people will always try and steer you in what isn’t automatically the wrong direction, it’s just not the right direction for you at that moment in your life. Fools think quickly and act slowly. Successful people think slowly and act quickly. But be open regarding change and start adopting this next statement: “Saying no to something that doesn’t currently align with my personal definition of success isn’t saying no completely, it’s just saying no right now based on where I’m at.” 5) I often have friends from “Corporate America” ask me my thoughts or ideas on different matters/challenges they’re facing in their job. Even recently, I had one share how well I could do if I brought my creativity back to a big company and “re-entered the workforce” (I found his term funny as it came across that I don’t actually have a real job. HA!) Here is how I explained the reason I could never do that. (I’ll say can’t do that right now, based on thought #4.) “I have this creativity because I’m not in a cubicle anymore. I never had this creativity when I worked in one. It took me almost eight years to develop many of the creative thoughts I’m sharing with you at this very moment. True, a company may hire me for my creativity today but I know that same company would fire me in less than a year due to my lack of creativity. I would be hired from what I promised and fired because I couldn’t deliver it anymore! People assume that great painters like Picasso, great thinkers like Einstein, great inventors like Edison, and great writers like Hemmingway were products of good genes and natural ability. But I argue they were all products of creative freedom! They defined what success meant to them early and then gave their life to developing that success. And you put any one of those great men I mentioned above in an office with hundreds of cubicles, crunching numbers in a life they detest, and the only place their names would appear today is on their tombstone, not in history books! And understanding that allows me to understand this. Somewhere in America, there is another Einstein, Edison, Picasso and Hemmingway wasting away in a cubicle all because they’re allowing someone else to define what success means to them!” You know, so many of my days are not guided by clear vision or a complete understanding of my overall purpose. It’s more guided by the fact that I cannot bear the thought of standing before God one day and when he asked me,”Why did you choose to live a life of misery and unhappiness instead of the life I planned for you?” And the only answer I can give is,”Because they told me to…”

       

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Goodness Chadrick…you and I are alike…never at a loss for lots of content. Yeah, this is a blog. Great, great wisdom. And this line is stellar, “The one who is deciding what success means to you is the one who is in control of your life.” Did you pen that yourself?

      • Chadrick Black

        Yep, that line came across my thoughts the other night when I was working on another piece and then it took on a life of its own.  It also reminds me of the statement, “Beware of the people in your life who believe their opinion is necessary every time you make decisions but do not consider it important enough to stick around and face the consequences of those decisions with you.”  (Another piece to think about.)   I’m a cut and paste guy for the most part from pieces I’m working on and your topic just seemed to line up with some of my thoughts.  The info reads much smoother when it’s not running together.  (As it reads above, it’s like I forgot to take my medication or had just knocked back 5 cups of expresso before posting…)

        • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

          I think we have many similar thoughts Chadrick. Thanks so much for reading and commenting here, I’m honored

  • Mark

    YES! My wife and I had to “separate” to some degree from the culture and people around us to eliminate some of this peer pressure we were being swayed by so much.  I see now that I allowed peer pressure to influence me to waste years trying to work on my weaknesses that everyone else thought was important, instead of working on my strengths… that’s how I became a “jack of all trades, master of none” … which I hate now… because I love excellence and focus… not mediocrity and general-ism.  Now I have to figure out what I want to master and work on that.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      You’re a product of our educational system that specializes in making us all…average. Not all their fault, but they don’t have room for individual focus. So it’s up to us. So…what action(s) will you take “to figure out what I want to master and work on that”?

      • Mark

         Yes… and that’s why we are not inflicting that system on our kids.  We believe that God’s Word is the core curriculum and we teach them while we rise up, walk by the way, and when we lay down… and we teach them math, and literature and all that other stuff too.  I can already see some fruit and not only are my kids blessed, but my wife and I have been transformed as well in the way that the Lord has worked on our character and drawn us together in much healthier relationships with each other, our kids, and other like minded folks…

        To answer your question… just as I did in FAA, the figuring it out will come through relationships, mentoring, working out my gifts and actually applying them instead of spending all my time on my weaknesses.  I just have to be patient.  I was just listening to a seminar recording sharing several inspiring stories of how godly men who through challenging experiences, faith in God and His word, and building solid relationships, maid giant impacts in the world.

        Unfortunately, I like many others were raised to be “self-made” instead of building relationships with God and the people around us… and I have to fight against that nature every day.

        • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

          OK Mark…do I know you? No last name in your profile here…

  • Goris

    HI Kevin, don’t know if you got my first comment. This rings very true in my life but deeply hidden in the mind. Never belonging, always on the outside of the box, not a bad place but a lonely place or a freaky place. This could also be the in dwelling in our spirit that we have a deep desire for another home, namely heaven. But since I am typing, I am not in heaven, so I will thankfully accept and move forward confidently in freakish ways.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Goris – I’m very, very much with you on your perspective of the ache outside of heaven. Thank you. But here…I think it’s crucial we connect with kindred spirits and not be alone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gwyn-Wiens/1322981191 Gwyn Wiens

    A new KFC on the horizon…Kindred Freaks Community?!  A challenging post Kevin, and one that rings very true in my life and the ones around me. We’re born with that desire for community, for connection & attachment and when we’re making decisions that take us away from what we’ve known and the ones that have supported us, it’s difficult to see the truth of what’s happening. We do need that love and acceptance and maybe just accepting that we’re really talking about peer pressure will help make things a bit clearer. Less personal, in a sense.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      That…is funny Gwyn. That’s the closest I’d ever come to KFC. Thanks for the feedback. Holding on to the truth…good words.

  • Ted Yoder

    Kevin,

     We, my family and I, left a community of believers who supported us to a point but when our pursuits of doing what we loved at all costs got ridiculous, their support seemed to disappear. I think they thought that it was just a mid-life crisis kind of a thing in the beginning. But then when we kept going and we started to make lifestyle changes that would support our passions, well, it didn’t look like something heavenly enough for them.

     It’s a good thing they didn’t see us when we had to go “all in” many times in the last 2 years. Times when we were driving home from 5 states away with just enough money to fill the tank and get us to the next town. God was either real in what he called us to do or we were to be pitied above all else. When it was sink or flail for you life, they would have preached another gospel to us and encouraged us to be “realistic”. After all, God never intended us to put ourselves and family at risk to do what we are called to do unless it can be classified as “ministry”.

     I think what folks are afraid to do is pull the trigger and make an effort to surround themselves with supportive and like minded people. It’s hard and can be lonely sometimes but man are we having fun. And if I die living like this, life finally makes sense.

    Shalom.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Ted – big issues you bring out here. Yeah, what classifies as ‘ministry’ is a big stumbling block. What God calls us to do…is ministry, eh? Doesn’t have to be a 501 c3 organization. I think man created that…not God. Thank you for being an example. For sticking to your guns (loaded by God). For giving others permission. Seeing my mom and dad pursue their callings and being a part of the hardship and struggle was probably the greatest gift I got from them.

    • Mark

       Ted, I’ve been following your musical work online, and I couldn’t help but think of the people around me reacting like we were crazy if my wife and I did the same thing.  Let me just say, you are helping to build the kingdom of God, and I bet over time you will have more opportunities to minister to people and lead them to Christ than a lot of paid church staff ministers ever will.  Keep up the good work, brother.

      • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

        That…is stellar. There you go Ted, what you are doing, is bigger than you.

        • Ted Yoder

           Thanks Kevin, I always loved having your support. We haven’t had tons of time together but I know your Dad and the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. ;-) Thanks for the reminder too. When things get tough and tight, I still can easily look at my navel and not out to the people I’m supposed to touch.

          • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

            Absolutely. The right people, of course.

      • Ted Yoder

        Thanks Mark, I appreciate both you saying this and you watching and being a support for us. I try not to be cynical but stay positive. Sometimes I’m afraid to tell church people how much fun I’m having out among the “world” with my family and sharing my talents. I don’t know if I’m doing great things for eternity but we, my wife and I, are learning a lot about what loving people is all about. The Holy Spirit asked me one time, “Who told you your gifts were just for the church?” That’s when I realized that I would love to play for those who need peace the most. ;-) It’s been a great ride.

        • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

          Sounds like wisdom and truth to me Ted

  • Daniel

    Kevin,

     

    Love the post! I totally and wholeheartedly agree. People in general are like
    sheep following the flock.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Yep. Our ‘independent’ culture has gotten more dependent than a nursing baby

  • Pingback: The Lighter Side: Peer Pressure » rise365

  • Anonymous

    “Being in this world, but not of it.”   This is a powerful reminder we need to tell ourselves daily!Reading this one, really shines the light on my own growth…..cause this isn’t even a concern for me anymore. Doesn’t even make the top ten struggles list. Though, it is very real and very paralyzing.  I can remember thousands of times I wanted to do or say something and yet allowed myself to succumb to fear or insecurity. I think for most of my adult life I was the cowardly lion…ya know a scardy cat!  The fierceness of a mountain lion is certainly in my God-given nature, but I sure was a lame one!
    What if you took your beliefs and molded, shaped, exercised, refined, and worked them into their ultimate form.  Along the way you would gain unwavering self-confidence and become so specific and fueled in your belief that you could actually do something effective for it!  Not only could you reach the point were your opposition would be completely ineffective but maybe you would even welcome it cause you knew your truth was so pure and true that you couldn’t contain it, even from the venom spewers.
    Carolyne

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Carolyne, as always…you inspire me with your heart. Yes, there is fierceness in you. I’ve seen it and read it many times. Having confidence in it, is key.

  • Jason Garey

    Kevin, this has summed up my life…until last weekend. This past week has been incredible…the kind of things have happened that I thought could only happen to other people. I’m talkin’ about transformation in a real, tangible sense. I will share more on this in a separate post. 

    For now, I feel compelled to share this movie clip with you. For any of you who have not seen Astronaut Farmer, you NEED to own this movie. I’ll go so far to say that I believe it should be added to FAA’s “must watch” list. Here’s the official trailer. 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=390WaPcxnFI 

    The line “you better know what you wanna do, before somebody knows it for you” is very powerful and, to me, crystallizes FAA’s message of FAAith! Again, I thank you, Teri, your family and all the professors for availing yourselves to us with such love, encouragement, acceptance and passion. Major blessings to you all! 

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Jason – this…means everything to me brother, “This past week has been incredible…the kind of things have happened that I thought could only happen to other people. I’m talkin’ about transformation in a real, tangible sense. I will share more on this in a separate post.” It was such a gift to have you out here last week. That movie is stellar, though I don’t own it. Yet. 

  • Eric Haselhorst

    Immediately, I think in my case it is not peer pressure but lack of clarity. I have a couple DISC assessments (clear results) as well as strength assessments (clearish results) and I keep asking “what do I do with this”. Feeling a call and muddling around. If I take concrete steps and action I think peer pressure will come. 

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Eric, OK…I haven’t been pushy, but join Free Agent Academy. What you express here, is what we’re about. 

  • Jim Hodges

    My wife loved the thought of my starting my own business recording books.  My brothers and sisters and Mother thought I was nuts.  I’ve been doing it for 12 years now and still love it and am living a life I never thought possible and have gone places many only dream about.  And almost all of that travel has been work-related business trips so they were deductible to boot!  Your friends and family may think you are nuts, but if you are nuts about doing something with your life that you would love to do, you are nuts not to.

    • http://www.freeagentacademy.com Kevin Miller

      Jim…so great to hear from you! I’ve told your story so many times. I love the quote you end with…can I use that and cite you? What is your primary URL?

      • Jim Hodges

        Kevin:  By all means.  My website is http:JimHodgesAudioBooks.com  Clever, no?