Who the hell am I?!
August 30th, 2011 by Agent Kevin Miller
Every week you get blogs or podcasts or emails from me. You may or may not read them, I have no idea. If you don’t, you should hit the handy little ‘unsubscribe’ button at the bottom of the notices.
The only reason you get my blather is because at some point you were interested in something regarding self-employment and you signed up or bought something through my website.
Here’s the deal, I don’t even LIKE ‘work’. I don’t care about ‘business’. In a social group, I’d rather hang with the women and talk about kids and relationships than ‘sports’ and ‘work’ in the guy’s circle. The “So, what do you do?” always stumps me. “What do I do?” I make breakfast for 7 kids, I can’t remember the last day where I didn’t see or quite possibly touch baby poop, I run on elk trails, I spend a lot of time looking at computer screens and ‘pushing buttons’ as my kids say, I can fix a lot of stuff that so often breaks in my house… What kind of a question is that?
All I can really say for myself is that I think our culture and society hands out plates of crap and most folks say ‘thank you’. I just can’t. It’s crap. It smells and makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. It comes in the form of mindless media consumption and grotesque consumerism addiction and the worst to me, giving away our inheritance for a scrap of crap, or in other words…giving away our God-given calling for a lousy job to pay the bills so we can buy dumb ass stuff that is nothing close to an actual necessity.
Why listen to me? I don’t know. I guess just for that. I see folks suffering from accepting crap and it hurts my heart. I think it hurts God’s heart. That may be all I can offer or have going for me. I can help you find an idea that fits you and make money with it so you own your time and life and can live out what you were created for and live out your calling better. Trade in the crap for God’s feast.
But otherwise, I’m a wreck.
Want to know about me?
I’m a glutton at heart. Some overweight folks say there is a skinny person inside them trying to get out. Not me. There is an obese guy inside me striving to escape. I’m pretty sure I have a food addiction. I bend it to being skinny, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not there. Food haunts me. Coffee, sugar, carbs and wine.
I’m often an ass. I more naturally disapprove of what my kids don’t do, then what they do. I believe my charge is to delight in them and show them the mercy and love and grace of our Lord Jesus. But I spend way too much time disdaining what more they aren’t doing. Even though they do more than any other kids I could possibly point to. I suck.
I’m a control freak. You might not guess it, cause I don’t have to control the situation or circumstance and can endure about anything (the next problem). What I have to control is…me. Guess who this serves. Me. Nobody else.
I’m an endurance junkie. As a pro cyclist I would have won ten times as many races if I’d have stuck to what I was most skilled at, sprinting. But I loved long, suffering endurance. This doesn’t serve relationships. Instead of fixing what needs to be fixed, I revert to enduring the pain. Wow. That’s freakin’ stupid.
I’m a luster. A “lust for life” as in the book title about van Gogh sounds good. And on one side, it is. It drives me. Lust in the right place is powerful. A lust for God, for truth, for righteousness. And I have those! But I also have a lust for food, sex, adrenalin, pride and more.
I get angry. A lot. Now again, I don’t like being out of control, so I don’t rage or lose my temper. I just simmer under the surface and disable myself from being worth a shit to anyone or anything. At my worst I’m prone to hitting inanimate objects (and after one hole in a door that I had to later fix, try to contain it to things outdoors, though a hard, too hard run or bike ride can usually suffice. Self-flagellation.)
I’m prideful, arrogant, egotistical, self-centered…
That’s probably enough.
What’s the point here? We’ll never totally fix ourselves. We don’t arrive. Zig Ziglar loves saying that “God don’t make no junk.” He’s totally right, but we are born broken. And we never get totally fixed here on this earth. None of us. Don’t kid yourself. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal and don’t strive for your own. Maybe you’ll feel you’re better off than me. Great. Then you have even more reason to say no to the crap.
Regardless, we can DO better. We can BE better. Even in our eternally broken state. None of us have an excuse, cause there is always someone whose had it worse and is doing more.
You have this life. You are where you are right now. What are you waiting for? When will you have it all together. When will the circumstances be good enough?
Give it up.
Just do the right thing now. Do it anyway. Don’t waste your time or anyone else’s by just existing and making excuses. You’re ripping everybody off, yourself, your family, God and humanity.
Quit saying “Thank you” for the plate of crap. It’s crap. It’s not so monumental to say “Oh God, no, I’ll pass.” You might miss a few meals, but it will be worth it. The crap doesn’t sustain you, it’s just a myth.
Brought to you by the wreck of Agent Kevin Miller and the gift of the wonderful leaders at Free Agent Academy where we join arms to say no to crap.
Sept. 6, 2011 Update: I did a show on this blog and discussed:
- Why did I write it?
- Why so candid?
- Why did people find value in it
Free Agent Underground Show – “Who the hell am I?!”